When all comes crashing down.....

I believe that even though my life is made up of countless moments, some moments truly define who I really am. I also believe that there's a difference, even a significant difference, between the person I believe I am and the person who is accurately reflected in the mirror when all is stripped away. Let me explain what I mean.
It doesn't take too much brutal honesty for us to realize that we all have this personal image that we would like to conform to. And it takes even more brutal honesty to admit that we're not there yet.Most of us, if we were to analyze ourselves, could think of at least 5 qualities that we would like our life to be defined by. Honesty, integrity, strength, compassion, faith, love, loyalty etc. The list goes on and on. These qualities and characteristics are incredibly important for us to pursue because it helps us grow as individuals.
The main issue in my own life stems from the fact that I tend to see myself and portray myself to others as already being that person that I am pursuing to become. Sometimes, the facade will hold for quite some time, but I find that it takes a single moment to disarm that image and leave me with a true reflection of the person I REALLY am. One of those moments happened just a couple days ago.
I was relaxing at my place after a great day of sleeping in, reading, and teaching guitar lessons. I got a message on my facebook page from a friend of mine who said that I really needed to call him. I just thought he wanted to talk sports or invite me to hang out sometime. Then I heard the words that you never want to hear from anyone. "I wish I had good news to tell you, but....." He then went on to tell me that a buddy of ours had committed suicide. My world came crashing down. And with it, the image of who I thought I was.
One characteristic that I have always pursued in my life is having a faith in God that would stay strong, even if everything around me was coming apart. After that phone call, not only did I feel overwhelming grief for the loss of a friend, but I was also filled with an incredible amount of doubt. I felt like God had failed. Like He ceased to be good, compassionate, and in control. It was alarming to me that I could have those thoughts and feelings in spite of who I thought I was.That tragedy had called my bluff.
Even though it's been only a few days since this has happened, I've been learning a lot. I'm learning that it's okay to doubt when horrible things happen. It's a natural reaction. And I'm also learning to accept the fact that I haven't "arrived" yet. I'm still on a journey to become who God wants to me to be. And I need to accept that the journey is in some ways more important than the destination.
Thanks for reading and I sincerely ask for your prayers for my friend's family and friends as they grieve the loss. God bless

Embracing Who I Was Created to Be

As much as I hate to admit it, I am always concerned about peoples' perception of me. I try to portray this image of "I don't care what anyone thinks", but I have to be honest and say that it's a lie. I am constantly tying to earn the approval of those around me and it drives me crazy sometimes. I have to look a certain way, talk a certain way, have certain possessions, a high-paying job, etc. And if I don't fit the mold of what people see as "successful", then I feel like I'm not as valuable as I could be. And the fact that I'm a guy definitely doesn't help the situation. Most guys will agree with me on this.
A common question that gets asked of me is "what do you do?" and my goal, every time, in answering that question is to make myself sound as successful as I can. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do. But at the same time, I fear that the person I'm talking to won't approve of it or think it's a good use of my time. Almost like I have to get my every decision approved by another human being. And in my mind, I know it's stupid to think that way, but I'm still affected by it.
I think the time in my life where I struggled the most with this issue was the first few years after high school. Everyone was talking about what college they were going to, how much money they were going to make in the future with their degree, how successful they were, etc. It was almost like a game we played. And, in my case, I always found myself on the losing end. There I was, 19 years old, and not sure of what I wanted to do with my life. I wasn't going to college because I felt like it wasn't for me. So I was living at home and working as a host at a restaurant. Not exactly the image of success if you ask me. I didn't really feel valuable as a person through those years.
So, here I am at the age of 26. Most of my time is spent being a guitar instructor. I travel around to peoples' houses and teach them how to play music. And this is something that I always dreamed of doing every since I learned how to play the guitar. I always thought that if I can play music for a living, in some way, shape, or form, I'd feel like I was doing what I was created to do. And yet, sometimes, I find myself somehow wishing I was doing something different. Something more glorified in this culture. Like being a CEO of a wealthy business. Or a professional athlete. Or anything that would enable me financially to purchase the bright red corvette convertible, the nice house, and the nice yacht on the river. Something that would make any attractive, single female look my way and say, "Now there's a guy who has it going on. I should probably give him my number." But, as it stands, I'm still single and I'm not driving the corvette. And I'm tempted to feel sorry for myself. Not because my life is horrible or anything, it's actually pretty good, but because my life doesn't fit that image that is portrayed in the media.
I've found that my problem isn't necessarily what I do in life, but in who I listen to in order to define who I am. It's not about me changing everything about myself to fit an image, but knowing who God created me to be. I'm learning how to listen to God and allow him to define who He wants me to be, not everyone around me. And I'm learning to accept who I am. And not just accept who I am, but learning to embrace that. To use the gifts and abilities that God has graciously given to me and to pursue them with wreckless abandon. Because, after all, people who don't enjoy what they do in life are quite a drag to be around. So, from here on out, if you ever need to find me, I won't be the guy in the bright red convertible or on the yacht in the river, I'll be the one with a smile on my face and a guitar in my hands. Come and talk to me!

Parables: The Underlying Stories of Our Lives

(I must give a warning and say that this post may turn into a really long one! I hope you don't mind!)

I believe in the power of a good story. There's something about hearing someone tell a
story that always seems to grab my attention. That's why I love old people. They always seem to be full of experiences that they are dying to share with people. Even as a little kid, I remember being fascinated as I would sit down and listen to my grandfather tell stories of when he was in World War 2. Stories about him trying to go to sleep in a building over in Europe while bombs were exploding all around him in the city. Stories about my mom and her brother growing up when they were kids. Places they went. Things they saw. Lessons they learned. It's all fascinating to me!
I believe our stories and experiences are powerful because our lives mean something. And if you think about it, life isn't made up of minutes, days, or years. Life is made up of our experiences. It consists of the lessons we have learned, the struggles we have faced, and the victories we have won. Each of our lives are defined by the stories we tell. And we are always telling a story, whether we realize it or not. One day at a time. One moment at a time. And I often wonder if there is another story being told, underneath the surface of our everyday lives. Almost as if God is using our experiences to not only give us a story to tell this world, but using our lives to teach us about who He is and who He wants us to become. This thought will probably need some elaboration. I think I'll start by telling a story.......
So there I was. Sitting in a bus in the middle of a Walmart parking lot in the wonderful city of Grants Pass, Oregon. My band had played a show the previous night in Ashland and we had driven to this parking lot afterwards to spend the night before driving home the next day. I was feeling dizzy because I had an unpleasant meeting the previous night involving my hands, elbows, face, and some very unforgiving pavement. But as I was staring out the front window of our "tour bus", something instantly caught my attention. It was a homeless woman. She seemed very occupied with something that, in my opinion, was absolutely ridiculous. Using a shopping cart, she was transporting dirt from the outskirts of the parking lot to a metal trash can. Since the shopping cart had many holes in it's framework, most of the dirt ended up on the pavement by the time she got to the trash can. And, to be perfectly honest, I found this amusing, even funny. Me and the rest of my bandmates sat and watched this scene unfold for a while until it came time for us to hit the road. Feeling a little sorry for the woman and her situation, we thought we'd offer her some extra food we had left over from our breakfast/lunch we had just eaten. What happened next surprised all of us..............
As we were driving up to her in our bus, she instantly started to wave her finger and yell at us for some reason. "Do you want some donuts?", I asked, while standing near the front of the bus, door open and all. I wasn't able to finish my question. "Get out of here and don't come back!" was her reply. So I offered her the donuts again, much to no avail. "Get out of here and don't come back!" After a few more attempts, she ended up throwing an apple in the general direction of our bus! After that, we decided to give up and move on. We all couldn't help but laugh at what we just experienced as we drove off, still having some donuts that we wanted to give away to someone in need. Before pulling out onto the main road, we were able to give the donuts to a homeless man holding a cardboard sign at a four-way stop. "Thanks for not throwing apples at us!", one band member told the man as we drove away.
Needless to say, this whole experience provided much laughter the entire drive home. I know I personally didn't believe it to be anything more than one of those stories that you can't wait to tell everyone you know. Not because you believe it to be "meaningful", but because it would cause anyone to erupt into laughter for the craziness of the whole situation! A funny story, nothing more. But I was so wrong!
A few weeks later, I just had this random feeling that Jesus was trying to get my attention. And He was wanting to use that experience to teach me something about myself and my interaction with Him. And as I looked back on that moment in my mind, I didn't see a homeless woman pointlessly filling a shopping cart with dirt. I saw myself. And I didn't see a bunch of guys in a bus with some extra donuts. I saw God. The creator of the the universe. The very Reason for my existence. And I couldn't help but think about my life and who I've become. How often does God lovingly reach out to me, only to hear me say "get out of here and never come back!"? How many times does God offer his help when I'm in need, only to have me turn Him away? After all, I know He sees me for who I truly am. And I wonder what He sees when He looks at me, especially when I'm trying to live my life on my own terms. Am I just "shoveling dirt" while thinking I've got my life figured out? Looking back on my life, I can see countless times when I've been no different from that woman. It's crazy to think that I easily judged her, even laughed at her and her situation, especially when I see a lot of similarities between her and myself sometimes. Her situation is just easier to notice than mine is. But not for God. He knows me better than I know myself, and yet He loves me. And I find myself wondering if He is always trying to get my attention. To tell me that my life means something. To offer His grace and help me in my times of need. To remind me that I'm loved. Or maybe He's just wanting to tell me a story. The question must be though: am I listening? Because after all, a story is powerful, especially when it's told by God himself. No wonder Jesus used parables..................

The City of Portland and the Value of Happiness and Contentment

One of my morning routines when I wake up (besides eating breakfast and taking a shower, of course) is to check my email. And normally, I always end up venturing on random websites dealing with current events/news. And this morning, I ventured onto Oregonlive.com and read an article talking about how a business magazine just gave the city of Portland the title of the "Unhappiest City" to live in. Obviously, this article got me thinking! The 3 main factors taken into account in the survey of the unhappiest cities are as follows: the average number of cloudy days throughout a years time, the unemployment rate, and the total amount of phone calls made to suicide hotlines, help services, etc. Those weren't the only factors, but they seemed to be the main ones. After reading this whole article, I felt like I should post a blog article listing reasons as to why I love the city of Portland, Oregon. So, here we go!

1.) Living in Portland makes you appreciate the little things. Things such as: Sunny days (when we get them!), green trees, and beautiful scenery everywhere you look.
2.) It has the big city feel without the big city annoyances
3.) Overall, Portlanders aren't jerks. Wierd, yes, but not jerks!
4.) No sales tax! (this goes for the entire state of Oregon!)
5.) The Portland Trail Blazers!
6.) It's a laid back city, which fits me perfectly, a really laid back person!
7.) The 2 months of Summer weather totally makes up for the 10 months of rain.
8.) I can wear a pair of jeans and a hooded sweatshirt pretty much all year round without someone thinking I'm crazy
9.) It's one of the few places I know of that a self-employed guitar instructor could get enough students to quit his morning job and do what he REALLY loves to do and make a living!
10.) It's a city where art and music are very much appreciated.

There are many more reasons, but those are some of the main ones. And even though my views on life and such are very different from the majority of people who live here, I can't imagine living anywhere else. For me to pack my bags and live somewhere other than Portland, Oregon, God would have to make it 100 percent clear that He has plans for me somewhere else! Anything less than that, and I will live here until the day I die! Just thought you should know.......

P.S. Make sure you check out the following music that you've never heard of!

Castle Heights
He is We

Thanks for reading!

Some Musical Recommendations

I like music. I like playing it. I like listening to it. I like talking about it. And one of my favorite hobbies, when I have the time to do so, is to look for bands that are either new or ones that not many people know about. And once I find a band or an artist that I really like, I tend to recommend it to as many people as I can. After all, good music should spread and should be heard by everyone. And in the past several years, my musical tastes have broadened way further than I ever thought they would (though I don't see country music making it onto my Ipod anytime in the near future!). I also go through these really wierd cycles where I'll be listening to some heavy hardcore music one day, like a Norma Jean or an Oh Sleeper, and then the next day I'll be listening to some laid back acoustic stuff like Jack Johnson or Tyler Burkum. The amazing thing about music is that it's one of the few things that everyone, whether they're pissed off or happy, can relate to. There's always some band or some genre that you can resonate with, no matter what's going on in your life. And that's the beauty of music as a whole. And to be a musician is to be a person who is willing to allow people to get a glimpse of who you really are. No strings attached. This is who I am, like it or leave it. And this brings me to a huge pet-peeve of mine: mainstream "christian" music.
Don't get me wrong. I grew up listening to christian music. Audio Adrenaline and the Supertones were constantly in my cd player (or tape player, if you will!). But my whole issue with mainstream "christian" music these days is that it has become a way for christians to close themselves off from the world and not get "offended" by what they're listening to. And a huge by-product of this is an industry that continually puts out music that is: a.) only meant for christians, b.) always positive and happy go-lucky and c.) just flat out boring, bland, and uncreative.
I believe music is an amazing and beautiful way to spread a message. And, as a christian, I am always encouraged when I come across a band that is composed of christians that have a heart to take their music and the message of Jesus to places that need to hear it. To tour with bands that play mostly in bars. To create music that everyone can relate to, but at the same time, be encouraged by the message. That is why I have no patience with people, mostly the self-righteous ones, who say that only certain kinds of music can honor God or be used by Him. I love Chris Tomlin and David Crowder, but I have to be honest and say that I have more of a spiritual experience listening to bands like A Hope For Home or Haste the Day or even Demon Hunter. And I don't judge people who disagree with me on this subject. Everyone has their views. But I do believe that God is honored by musicians and bands that use their talents to reach out to those around them. It doesn't matter what kind of music they play. And it doesn't matter whether they hum, sing, or even, dare I say, SCREAM their message! God can, and will, use ALL music, not just the bands that are played on christian radio stations.
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog! I'd love to hear your comments!

and P.S. Here are some recommendations for some good music/bands to check out!

Red (especially their newest cd! so good!)
Beloved (just good ol' hardcore rock and roll!)
Tyler Burkum (good folk/acoustic)
A Hope For Home (my band has played with these guys. they're the real deal!)
Between the Trees
Number One Gun
Holyfield
Inhale/Exhale (for those who like to have their skull crushed)
Jason Reeves (great acoustic laid back stuff)
Tyrone Wells (hopefully you've heard of him already!)
Needtobreathe

Enjoy! God bless!

The Currency of Time.

I don't know about you, but I always seem to spread myself too thin. I go through a cycle that starts with me wanting to do too much, then I eventually get to a point where I have to rethink my priorities and simplify my life all over again. I always buy into the illusion that "your life is best spent being constantly busy with things". And the crazy thing is that I almost feel powerless to go against it! There's always a tug of war going on inside of me between doing everything under the sun that I can and slowing down to focus on just a few things. As frustrating as this struggle is, it has taught me 3 very important things that I will share with you.
The first thing it has taught me is that time is infinitely more valuable than money. Even
if you don't have much money, there's always some way that you can get more of it. You can find a new job, sell some possessions, or even ask someone for it. But, with time, you're only given a certain amount and there's no way to get more of it. There are only 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week, and 365 days in a year. And even though we don't know the exact amount, we only have a certain amount of years in our lifetime. Once your time on this earth runs out, there's nothing you can do about it. And how you spend your time and your life reveals what your real priorities are.
I've also learned through this struggle that life is best spent pursuing those things that make you feel truly alive. And with this, I've learned to always ask myself what my passions are. If doing something does not line up with what I'm passionate about, there's really no point in me doing it. And I believe that God wires each of us differently with certain passions for a reason. To ignore those things is to ignore what makes us feel alive. For me personally, the one thing that totally gets me going and makes me feel alive is music. And if I was to ignore that and spend my life doing something that has no connection to that, I would be absolutely miserable. Even if I got a job that made me millions and got me a nice house and a lot of possessions, I would be wasting my life away. For me, life isn't defined by how much you can accumulate or how much money you can make, but rather it is defined by pursuing those things that give you a reason to wake up, to breathe, and to feel like you are truly alive.
The final thing that I've learned is that the most important word you can say is "No". I've found that people tend to take advantage of those who can only say "yes" to everything that is asked of them. And I don't believe it is virtuous to allow yourself to be taken advantage of. When you read about Jesus in the Gospels, you learn two main things about him: He had a heart and a love for people that the world had never seen, and you learn that He also had a spine. He knew when to say "Yes" to something AND He knew when to say "No!". He wasn't exactly "nice" to everyone he encountered, BUT He was "Good". The one thing about the church these days that absolutely pisses me off is that it talks about Jesus as someone who was always nice, who always minded his manners, who never made a scene, and who said "yes" to everything. And it calls us to follow in His footsteps. I'm sorry, but a "nice" person never calls a group of people a "brood of vipers fit for Hell" or "white-washed tombs", and a "nice" person never cracks a whip and destroys tables and makes a huge scene. He definitely wasn't nice, at least by our standards or definitions, but no one can say that He wasn't good. He had a mission to fulfill and a passion to drive that mission, and He had no problem saying "No" to something or someone when what was asked of Him went against those things. And we should have no problem saying "No" either. So, in closing, I have two questions to ask. "What is your passion in life?" and "Are you using your time and your life to pursue it?". Thanks for reading!

The Coolest Guy You'll Ever See......

Go ahead and take a moment out of your busy schedule today. Close your eyes. And I want you to come up with an image of the coolest guy you've ever seen or met. I want you to really focus on the mental image of that person. What does he look like? Does he have a hair style that just screams "cool" or "popular"? Does he wear clothes that make him stand out in a crowd? Does he have a personality that just makes people flock to him? Is he a skateboarder? Guitar player? Snowboarder? Does he own a really cool car? Is he a ladies magnet? Now, how confident are you that the image you came up with depicts the coolest guy ever? Well, I don't know what image you came up with, but I can say with certainty that if you think you came up with the coolest guy ever, you are DEAD wrong! I'm pretty sure my image depicts the coolest guy on the planet. Now, you may be wondering what my mental image was. My image? A big, furry, bright pink monkey! Now this will obviously take some explaining to do.
So I was driving to Guitar Center the other day with some friends. And as I was driving, something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. It was practically impossible not to see because it rivaled the brightness of the sun. There was a guy wearing a bright pink monkey costume! He happened to be one of those guys who stand on the street and hold signs up telling us about the latest sale at a certain store. He was holding a bright pink T-Mobile sign (I applaud that company for taking the time to make sure the sign matched the monkey!) And after I saw him, even to this day, he seems to come to my mind often. A lot of people may look at him and feel pity, almost as if he was forced to wear the costume by the T-Mobile people. But I like to think that he jumped at the opportunity to sign up for the job. Imagine being the only person who could truthfully introduce yourself as follows: "Hey, I've never met you, but you know exactly who I am. You've probably even envied me. I'm the Bright Pink T-Mobile Monkey!" Then he would instantly become the life of the party! To do what he does, a guy has to be perfectly secure in who he is. Which makes me seriously think that we would all be so lucky to have a friend like that! So, if you're ever driving by Guitar Center and you are lucky enough to see him standing there doing his thing, I encourage you to pull over and shake that man's hand. I don't care if you end up causing an accident! Greatness needs to be recognized! But anyways, let me just end this post by saying that if I ever end up becoming just a fraction of the man that pink monkey is, my future wife will be able to truthfully say that she is the luckiest woman on the planet. And gosh dang it, I may just have to agree with her..........

The Little Things.....

I'm about 3 weeks away from turning the age of 26. It's kind of crazy. And as I survey where I am and who I am right now in my life, I find that I'm nowhere near the person I thought I'd be at this age. And, for the most part, that's a good thing. Of course, there will always be things about yourself that you would want to change, even it it's just a small change. But overall, I really wouldn't change much at all. Growing up, I always thought that the older you get, the more mature and the less childlike you should become. I no longer believe that to be true. At least to a certain extent. True, becoming a responsible person is a very worthwhile pursuit. And it's also good to be learning how to adapt to different situations as you get older. But, for the most part, my goal is to never fully "grow up". I still want to find joy and amusement in the littlest of things, just like little kids do. And if you know me at all, it doesn't take much to amuse me. I'm the guy who gets excited every time he sees someone with a mullet, (especially if it's on someone younger than me!). I'm the guy whose spirits are lifted whenever he eats a really good cookie. People-watching has always been a favorite hobbie of mine. And if you ever want to totally make my day special, you don't have to go out of your way and do something spectacular. All you need to do is buy me a coke, give me a donut, or quote a really funny line from a movie or tv show. That's it! And that's something I hope to never change about myself. (And if I ever do change that and become "mature", you have full permission to just kick me in a really sensitive spot, you have my word.)

Every once in a while, someone will come along and ask me what my favorite thing to do was when I was growing up. And as I reflect on it, I can pretty much sum up my entire childhood in five things: basketball, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the Arcade Game for the NES, Sling shots, building forts, and rousing games of Battling Tops with my brother. If you don't know what Battling Tops is, you really are missing out! You have this mini arena thing that you launch these spinning tops into and the last top still standing wins the round. That's it! It seems so simple, but to this day, I still find it incredibly amusing! I had been looking for this game for a long time because they don't make it anymore. And just last week, my amazing mother, whom I love even more now, found one at a Goodwill and graced me with it. You have no clue how much joy surged through my soul when she told me she found one! I played it last night with some friends and seriously, it was hilarious. Here are 4 guys, all 20 and over, playing this game that has the "6 years or older" comment on the box. And no one was more happy than me! So, to make a long story short, my life is now closer to being complete. Sure, a girlfriend, or even just a date, would be nice (of course, having a decent amount of time to be social is important for those!). But I know that I will be perfectly happy with some coke in the fridge, a guitar to play, good music on my ipod, and Battling Tops in my closet. Now, if only I could find that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game...........

New Blog!

Those of you who know me, more than just a little, know that I'm usually against anything that can be described as "trendy", but I decided to start a blog, not because "everyone is doing it", but because I figured it would be a good way for people to get to know me. I'm a really deep thinker so this is also a good way to sort through things that I'm happy about, pissed off about, or thankful for, etc. So I hope you enjoy reading my random thoughts, no matter how random or amazing they may be! God bless!